(4:10pm) I f*ckin' hate weddings. Why do people feel the need to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a fancy party just so that everyone knows they're in love? Shouldn't we have gotten the point when you dated each other for three years? And if we were somehow stupid enough to not get that you two were into each other, shouldn't we have gotten the hint when you got engaged? Didn't I go out drinking and partying with you guys the weekend after you got engaged? Everyone here already knew that you guys were in love, so what's with the extravagent party? Let's just get through the boring God part, say your stupid vows and get to the two magic words that everyone's waiting to hear: open bar.
(5:08pm) Phew. I'm glad that's over with. It's time to get my drink on. Let's see: it's a little after 5 now, so that means that they'll probably start serving dinner around 6 or so. That's almost a solid hour of drinking time before I have to slow down and eat. I bet I can down 8 Jack n' Cokes before the meal's even ready. Normally I wouldn't have such an insatiable appetite for booze, but this particular wedding happens to be inhabited by two distinct categories of people: a) people I don't know at all, and b) people I used to be friends with and currently hate. I already know that I'm going to say something terrible to most of the people here. I just have to get wasted so that I can blame it on "liquid courage" later, and that way I'll avoid having to apologize too much in the future. Okay, liver, game on.
(6:30pm) Oh my f*ckin' god, dude. These f*ckin' mashed potatoes are delicious. Can you get seconds at a wedding? I need another drink anyway, and the f*ckin' mashed potatoes are on the way to the bar, so I'll just swing by and find out.
(6:40pm) Well, Jack n' Coke, you did me good so far tonight, but I'm switchin' to Gin n' Tonics for awhile. They just make me feel more sphophisticated, y'know? Why the f*ck am I carrying this plate around? And who put so many f*ckin' stairs in this place? This is outreagius! I can't be the only one seeing this. It's like, "hey, stuppid banquet room that this wedding is in, make a deshishion: all stairs or no stairs, okay?" None of this halfway stuff. There's all this flat ground around here, and then thesef*ckn' stairs come out of nowhere! F*ck you stairs! I bet I could throw this plate all the way across the room like a discus. Whoooosh!
(7:36pm) Dance party! Man, there are some hot chicks at htis wdding. Look at this nice peace ofass here. Mmm, shake it beby! THis chick has some sweetm hairdo. It's silver and it loks like Lady Gagaga's hair. I cant' tell if she's old and wrinkly or if my pupils in my eyes jst have relly bad streaks on em. I rlly thought dancing with two drunks in yer hanz would be harder than it is, but it trns out that id doesnt' matter if you spill, as long as thr's an open bar over ther. I love that bartndner. He's so awsome!
(8:10pm) Wher's' the f*ckn' bathrom in this place.? Stupfid f"ckin' weddign witha f*ckin' bathrum thats impolsible to find. Well, whatj the fucm, ringt? I'm stnadimng right tnext to a plant, atd they need water to live. My piss is amost all wahter. I'm gunna pissh in this palnt. Probably nobody wll even notice me. Wait, the kids table is right next to the plan.t Ah, f8ck it. If these kids dontknow what a dick looks like by now, its thr own f*cking fault. You heer that, kids?!! This is what a dick looks like! There! You learned something today, you liktttle assholes!
(9:06pm) Thatnks for havng me at the weddign. I know that the speeches are usuly rzzerved fr the family of the ppl getting marrimed, but I just have some quick things thadawana say quickly. First, thanks for the opoen bar. Right?! That was a joke. I thought it wood geta better reaakshin. Okay, givedup fer the bridengroom! I've known Danny since highskool and he was a fag bcak then, so somebody shoud make sure that Charlene doens't have a big old dick tucked under that slutty weddingdress uv hers. Ha ha! Burn, Charlene! By the way, I'm a friend of Danneez. Congramjurmations. Does anyone elsee know that Danny has nked picturmes of Charllyne on his compuder? I know becuz one time I had to use his lapltop and thr wuz all these naked pichurrs of her. I woudl now like to describe her vagina and asshoel in painstaking detail...
(9:42pm) You cant git ckicked out from a weding, dude. No, you can/t. No you cant, dude. I don't care if yer some kina securidy guard or whudver. No, I'm not drunk. Yes, I did accidentalty shit in the decorative fountain, but its not what itlooks llike. I jst got confiused fer a minut and thot I was in Europe, an dhtat was a buday or someting,. I dunno, dude. Wedingz are weird. I had totake a massive shit. F*ck You! Do you have aney weed? Hold on. I'm gonna throwm up lreal quick. BLRRAAAUUUGGHHK! Sorry about just puking on you, old laydy next to me. Yer Danny's gramma, right? Mayhbe I'll see you later in room 212 of the Marriott down the street. Leave the dress, honey. Youwon/t need it cuz we'ree gonna f*Ck later. I F*CKIN'LOVE WEDDINGS!!$%!!!!!K!K!!!!!
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